Ode to Velvet: The Survivor

Introduction
If you haven’t guessed this is not Velvet writing this, it’s me……Eli. Some people probable stopped reading when they read the title and thought to themselves “oh wow, she thinks she’s pretty special doesn’t she!” So if you have made it this far, pat yourself on the back because you are not a judgmental person. And trust me I’m the authority on being judgmental:) So I’m here to tell you why Velvet is the best person in the world and to describe the events of the past few days to illustrate that point. She is so strong and devoted to her duties as a mother and wife even under personal tragedy it would make any member from the cast of Desperate Housewives shrivel up and die just to be in the same room as her. Who do you know that has passed three kidney stones, and then got the flu the same day, and then had to take care of her husband with the flu, and then got another stone the next day? Who I Say! WHOOOO!!! No really, do you guys know of anyone? I would really like to ask them a couple of questions. So I have tried to capture the events as best I could to help you see why Velvet is so awesome.
So if you have ever asked yourselves these questions: Can children survive by just eating tortilla chips, chocolate milk, and cold cereal?; Is it possible to watch T.V. all day and not remember anything you watched?; or Can Eli even grow facial hair? Wait no longer, your answers are on the way!
Day 1
So our lovely adventure started on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Velvet said she didn’t get a very good rest that night and thought that she might have an infection. She said that she prayed that it wasn’t an infection. And for those of you, who wonder if prayers are answered, wonder no more because they are! It wasn’t an infection, it was kidney stones. Anyway for those of you who haven’t experienced a kidney stone (like me) I am told that the pain it creates is the closest a person can come to having a baby. But it is worse because after your done you don’t have anything to show for it like a baby. Now some of you are thinking “That sounds pretty good to me!” But I’m getting off track. After it became apparent that it was in fact kidney stones, I called in sick and skipped my classes so I could help out with the kids. She was doubled over pretty much all day. The crazy part was that she told a lady in our ward who is about to have a baby that she would make her dinner that night. Even in her pain she was making plans and I had to tell her that the family would understand. Fortunately, she didn’t protest. To our surprise the lady brought us dinner instead! Yeah women like her and Velvet make the world a better place. We figure that she must have passed three stones that day, the last (and worst) passed at about 12 that night and we finally went to bed at about 1. And thus ended the first day of the reign of the stones.
Day 2
So the second day was the day that Velvet started to feel sick. She started puking early that morning. So I called in again cause I only had one class and my homework is all caught up and she needed me. This day was fraught with T.V., chocolate milk and chips. That brings me to the boys. This whole time neither one of them shows any signs of getting sick or slowing down so I had our friend the T.V watch them so I could stay with Velvet. Don’t think I’m unselfish or anything, we live in a small place, I could still see the T.V. We figured that Velvet must be getting sick because of the pills. That is…until…I got sick, then it was serious! J/k. That is when we figured it was the flu. It hit me in the late morning and I got that feeling. You know the feeling, that “I’d better be careful what I eat because it’s going to be back” kind of a feeling. So I didn’t have much to eat and neither did Velvet (besides coke) and when we don’t have an appetite why would we cook anything for the kids?! They ate whatever they could find and whatever didn’t make us want to puke when we put it together for them (hence the chips and chocolate milk). Fortunately for me Velvet started to feel better just as I was getting worse. So that night she cleaned up the house while I tried to stop her by yelling from the fetal position on the couch. I don’t know how she does it. The whole time I’m watching The Big Country, a movie about what it means to be a real man, it must not have sunk in very well because, as I mentioned I watched it from the couch in the fetal position while my kidney stoned wife cleaned the kitchen. Mom, aren’t’ you proud?
Day 3
So Friday came, a day that is supposed to represent joy and freedom for the working man. All it brought us was dread. Well I started to snap out of it even though I didn’t feel much like eating. Apparently I got feeling better so Velvet could pass her last unexpected stone. But it came and left and that’s all you need to know about Friday. We really needed to laugh about this time so we watched Mystery Science Theater 3000: Final justice. There is nothing on this earth that makes me laugh/makes me look like a nerd better than MST 3K. And it worked, we laughed our pains away if only for a moment.
Day 4
You have to read this in a Christian Bail terminator/batman voice. It’s been over 72 hours since our last contact with the outside world. Tensions are high. This is a war that I’m not sure that we can win. Our supplies are slowly being used up (we had to make a second trip for some more coke and milk). Whispers of mutiny can be heard on the wind. I hear hushed voices in the kid’s room but only their silent cold eyes meet me when I enter. As if they don’t want their conversation overheard. Who would have thought such small stones could instill such fear and terror. “Such a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing…such a little thing.” I hold Velvet as she winces and cries out in pain. “What can I do” She asked. I simple tell her that she must stay the course. Suddenly she looks up at me with tears streaming down her malevolent face as she screams “If we stay the course we are dead! WE ARE ALLLLLL DEEEEAAAAAADDDDDD!!!” if your listening to this, you are the resistance!
I thought I’d throw that in for fun. Today is Saturday and it looks like thing are going better. Velvet is taking a much needed nap and she still feels a little sick but it’s much better. So now for some pictures.






So since Velvet would kill me if I posted a picture of her having a kidney stone I thought I’d do my best impression. Axel took the picture. Quite the photographer isn’t he? Now, can Eli grow facial hair? No. you see how it looks like I have a little dirt on my face? Well that is the product of not shaving for three days. Not much huh. I look like a pubescent Islamic terrorist. That’s politically correct right? Actually the last time I tried to grow a real beard we were watching the news and they announced that there was a terrorist caught trying to set off car bomb. When they showed a picture of the guy I thought “gee that’s weird, they just showed a mirror.” When I realized my mistake I walked into the bathroom and shaved never to try again.



Without Velvet we would be in a sorry state as you can see. In fact if it wasent for Velvet I would have ended up a mountain man living in water canyon eating squirrels and aspen bark. Yes, the worlds first beardless mountain man. I owe her everything and I hate to see her in such pain and be unable to do anything about it. She really is the best.